Outfit #39: Black Cat

Hi-Lo Blouse c/o Crash and Burn Apparel // Leggings: Old Riding Breeches // Boots: Thrifted // Purse: H&M // Cat Ring c/o I Love Crafty (Feline Fatale Collection) // Necklace and Earrings c/o BKouture // Hat: H&M // Sunglasses: ASOS

This is the closest thing I've worn to pants in ages! But they're not really pants - they're actually an old pair of riding britches from my horse riding days. Occasionally they still come in handy in outfits!

I'm really angry at myself today, actually. I have been trying really hard to watch what I eat and lose weight, because I am incredibly unhappy with my body - to the point where I feel my self esteem suffering. I work a desk job and I get zero excersise, but since I work full time by the time I'm finished at work all I want to do is go home and relax - I totally dropped the ball on my gym membership. I just kind of feel like a failure. I hate my body - literally, I HATE it - but I don't seem to stick to anything I do to try and change it. I've been eating really well lately, but last night I had Jack in the Box curly fries, jalapeno poppers, and a bunch of mini candy bars. I don't know why I do this to myself - it makes me happy for a minute and then I'm just miserable for a week.

Some days it's hard for me to even take photos, nonetheless post them on the internet, because I don't think I look the way I want myself to. I google things like "I'm pear shaped and I hate it" and I don't know what to do. I thought I would grow out of this self loathing of my body, but I'm closer to 24 than 23 and I still abhor my thighs and feel like I'll never look good enough to make myself happy. I look at photographs of myself when I was a teenager, riding horses and looking healthy and lean (and when I was modeling!), and I curse the 30 pounds I've gained in adulthood.

I have photographers poking at me, asking me to model for them, and I just keep making excuses because I don't want to be in front of a camera lens. What if I bend wrong and my fat rolls are evident? What if someone sees my cellulite? I envy all of my skinny friends and can't look at lookbook's main page because I get depressed. "I'm 5'10", why can't I be long legged and lithe, too? Why do I have to be squat and curvy?"

The worst part is that I know as soon as I start working out, the pounds will melt off. It's the way things happen with me. But I have NO IDEA HOW TO GET MOTIVATED. It's literally what I want more than anything - to be thin and in shape - but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I don't understand why I am able to muster energy and passion for every other endeavor in my life, but not one that would make me happier than anything (not to mention help my modeling and cosplaying!)

Does anyone have any tips? Some days are worse than others, and I'm assuming today is just a bad day, but I'd still welcome any words of advice for motivation or losing weight when one is pear shaped (meaning I gain 100% of my weight in my hips, butt, and thighs).